take heart, friends....

it seems so many are having a rough time with life, right now...is there something is the air? times are hard and i think the energy of the entire planet is in a bad way..it is having it's way with our economy...our health and our lives in general and the love in our lives....how can it not? so we have to each individually take control of our selves and change the vibration... in ourselves- find our love...and learn how to use it...

love is truly the only thing that makes life worthwhile...not i-phones, laptops or dvr's ... jewelry or new over-priced shoes....possessions are distractions- nice to have...but when they become the sole purpose in life -what does your life 'mean'? ...i would really like to have a wii...i have wanted one for awhile now and will get one eventually- when i am able to...but you know what? in the meantime i have a life and can't imagine being obsessed with having a wii...but it seems so many of us become fixated on possessions... often to replace love....and situations we are not in that we would like to be....instead of focusing on the good things in our lives and, perhaps... things we need to change in our selves to change life for the better....a wii is not going to make my 'life' better...it will make one more thing i have to dust- but keep me 'moving' in the winter....all things have pros and cons ;-)
i am very grateful for what i have..i don't have alot of 'things'...and i don't care...when i get a little down about 'life' and losses... i try always to turn my thoughts to the good i have in my life...the greatest of those things being love...people i love... pets i love... activities i do with love ...and i make a mental list of all the other things i have to be grateful for...it helps..ALOT... writing it all down, even better- when possible...
when you look around -get your focus outside of your own head- you will notice how truly bad some people have it in life- worse than you....and that can help you to be more grateful and to realize  it is because that is what they expect... because they don't think enough of themselves...are you doing that, as well?
we can get stuck in our conditioning and perceptions and never realize there are so MANY ways to see a situation ..it was a very wonderful therapist who showed me that years ago...he showed me that the blame i was placing on my father for so many things in my life needed to be turned around... to me taking responsibility for my own feelings AND my SELF IMAGE...he also showed me that my dad was human- who was also once a child..and from a very dysfunctional family, himself - who had never resolved his own issues..and so- they were handed down to me....when i came to that reality- it was easier to forgive and easier to take on the task of changing my own level of self-respect...it did not happen instantly...it took years and i got knocked around emotionally AND physically here and there... made more 'mistakes' but i learned from all of them- because i was aware i needed to.... and i learned how to truly love-i studied- read -trusted and tried and learned...it was not easy to give in to care for another person's well-being with no expectations or conditions...but we must if we really want to have a real love in our lives- and this is with every relationship of any kind.. even with our PETS....and there are moments we fail with that and are selfish but if we have the awareness of it we can correct ourselves.... ok- we are human and have to have boundaries too-it is a tricky balance..in a 'perfect' world we would not need boundaries but it is NOT a perfect world...so we do need to 'expect' a couple of things in order for this to work...respect, and trust being my two biggies...if someone does not respect you- they have no self-respect....simple...period... it is a reflection of them on you...and it is the same with trust...if someone does not trust you- then they are untrustworthy and/ or very insecure...BAD CHOICE for a partner in life or friendship!( if they are family- then you are stuck with them and will have to learn an alternate way to deal with them but they can be a great lesson for you) ....and you are never going to change someone else...only THEY can do it- IF they choose to...and it's work-sometimes ALOT of work...are you willing to wait it out..for years, maybe? or do you choose to be happy NOW ..sometimes you have to let go...it is your choice..sometimes letting go of someone in pain is the best thing you can do for them because it may slap them into reality and getting help if they need it...if they don't then they have made the choice to stay in pain...some revel in it because it gives them an excuse to be mentally lazy....and manipulative which gives them some false sense of power...

we can learn alot from our pets if we observe them closely...my cats have taught me alot about self esteem... as well as the few dogs i have had in the past, about unconditional love...even fish and turtles and salamanders...they all have a certain lesson to teach us....i think observing nature is one of the best ways we can learn about the core of life...we are part of nature but we tend to forget that and think we are outside of it...just sit quietly in nature and observe...it is like a perfect silent symphony...all in sync within what could be viewed as chaos...watch a hawk in the sky...i can watch them for hours doing their dance with perfect precision...biding their time...the complete patience..skill and confidence ..and they always get their prize....
most of the illnesses we get as humans are due to our negative emotions...that is one big thing animals have over us...they know when to use emotions and when not to...they are pure instinct and we are 'not so pure' intellect alot of the time...which i DO NOT see as an advantage for us...all in all i feel animals are much 'smarter' than we are...they have 'horse' sense....they always know what to do for themselves...

when we don't have-or BELIEVE we don't have love...we can obsess about it...but think for a moment....you DO have love in your life in one way or another- don't you?? ...love is love- there are no 'kinds' of love...we choose to express it in different ways which are appropriate to the situation in which we are applying it....love is not something that 'happens' to you...that you 'earn' by doing anything...it is an energy that exists all around us...it is here..there and right in front of you...  we CHOOSE to use it and feel it...it is not some miraculous event that is bestowed on us if we have been 'good'...it is there for the taking ...every second of every day...think about your pets...the utter joy you can feel when you have a 'moment' with them- they are being affectionate and giving you all the attention you can handle and all they want to do is love you...that little thrill you feel when you are exchanging affection..the abandon of emotion...that is the core of love..that is how we should feel with one another...if you have children, parents, friends..we all have love in our lives and we often take that for granted when there is something 'else' we want...sometimes we need to stop WANTING so much and just BE...and enjoy the love we do have- then we open ourselves to more and from others....
i think that humans are not meant to be alone- we are pack animals and so we have friends and family and yes- we all want a partner in life...and it is a wonderful thing when it is good...but i also feel when we think that this is so unobtainable- that is what  it becomes...we ALWAYS get what we 'expect' and if we all think back to 'mistakes' we have made i think we can almost always remember there might have been a little voice inside saying that things would never work out...if that is what you expect- it is what you will get...which can be a GOOD thing if it was a bad choice...but there we get back to our self-image...why would me make a bad choice- settle for less than we deserve? ..because we do not feel we deserve better...... if we happen to make a fairly GOOD choice but still do not have our self-esteem  where it should be...it can still be a disaster if the other person doesn't understand-is not willing to help-is not supportive or suggest you get help with it...or you won't try to change it...or admit you have an issue that needs to be dealt with....chances are you made the good choice by accident...and if you are not healthy- will get bored eventually with 'too much goodness'...maybe you need chaos or think you do...trust me- YOU DO NOT!

we all need to look in the mirror...and change what is there that we see needs changing...and the truth is EVERYONE has an issue or two.....did you have parents??? yes? then..you HAVE AT LEAST ONE!
i think we are supposed to...i feel this is how we learn who we are...if we all came into this life perfect- what would be the point of living? we live to learn...and yes- have fun and laugh and love and experience pleasure and make music and art and eat and dance....but we cannot do those things 'correctly' unless we know who we are and become a healthy person who is experiencing happiness by their OWN doing...the happy feelings will be fleeting... it is a life-long journey but we can take joy in the learning....and no one else can MAKE you happy....we will always have sorrow to deal with at times...anger...disappointment... but all things to grow from....
it is difficult to feel good things when we have been hurt...but we must at some point in the grieving- realize that to forgive is for US...not the person being forgiven...it releases US from hanging on to resentment which is very unhealthy...it makes us sick in the mind and body...we do ourselves honor when we forgive...others are being the best 'them' they can be at the time and if they are hurtful people- they are in pain themselves .... they never have to know you have forgiven them..only YOU need to know it...you are not condoning a negative thing they have done- you are releasing yourSELF..
on forgiveness...it took me some time to learn that FIRST i had to forgive ME for things i was not even conscious of feeling guilty about ...guilt can become an addiction...and it is actually totally self-indulgent...narcissistic ...think about it! but you cannot truly forgive someone else unless you forgive yourself first...that is the place to start with forgiveness....this really hit home with me when i studied 'a course in miracles'...and truly- guilt is not a feeling i have dealt with in a very long time....it is very freeing...

we have too many 'options' placed in front of us...if you feel bad- go out and buy something we don't need..it makes us feel better for a few hours....get drunk...eat junk food...or make someone else feel bad.... all a waste of time and energy....we think too much- of ways to get even and get over on others- show them a thing or two or we wallow in self-pity or go see a doctor for chemicals to make it go away...if only we would follow our own instincts- but we have been programmed to forget them...so we have books and tapes and dvd's and therapists...all can be helpful if we need them...

i have a great man in my life...with a good heart, talent, a wonderful sense of humor and ravenous appetite  ...we have 4 wonderful cats...a roof... food on the table....hummingbirds in the yard...i have talent to use...a ton of kitchen tools and lots of art supplies...i am a wealthy person! and yes...the old issues ( and new ones- oh joy!) crop up here and there...but i have tools now...i know what to do...and it gets easier but it is always work...i keep reading and learning and working on it....and i try to do it with love and i always try to forgive and sometimes i really have to work on it-and i lose it....but recovery is a work in process and i think we have to take joy in learning and forgive ourSELVES when we fall...because loving one's SELF is the key to everything else..and falling is a reminder not to get lazy about it!
 something i feel is very important to remember is that there really are only TWO emotions- out of which the other 'feelings' we can have are borne...there is love and there is fear....love we understand- an unselfish concern for another...laughter, enjoyment and pleasure are love- music and art and cooking are love- gardening is love....fear gives birth only to the negative ...jealousy- resentment- hatred- prejudice- depression- self-loathing..etc etc...think of a negative way you feel about something and see if you can find the connection to fear...often when we don't understand things we fear them and turn that into hate....
i felt compelled to write these thoughts because i see so many people around me in pain and sadness and i know those feelings..i am not meaning to lecture but just share what i have learned thru my own experiences with pain and loss...and hope that if you find something in them for you- they may help in some way....and i am feeling it with love ;-)....if you need help with your grief there is no shame in getting some...it is very difficult sometimes to change our view without guidance in seeing about how we get 'stuck'....i seek guidance all the time..i have as many philospohy and self-help books as i do cookbooks...and some are more helpful than therapists...
try to have FAITH..that all is as it is supposed to be right now and there is a reason...a door to open or to close...a change that needs to be made...a better choice...that is going to lead you to what you want and is best for you....be patient and gentle with yourself...cry-scream- let it all out and then let it go.....
take heart, friends...this too shall pass and all will be well....

eat 'em and weep -sniff 'em, don't sleep....

this jar of onions cure thing ain't working! i breathe deeply-my eyes do not water-i am awake....
it's a funny thing about me and onions-a love- hate thing...  hate, presently , for not making me sleep as they are allegedly *supposed* to...an ancient time-proven sleep remedy that does not work for MOI ....do i ALWAYS have to be the exception to everything???

LOVE them on a burger- straight up RAW and naked- LOTS of them so that their fragrance lingers for hours...and keeps evil spirits and mean people away ....when i slice, chop, mince, or dice them they hardly ever make we weep...aren't they supposed to? hmm...add another dysfunctional relationship to the list....me and onions-entangled in an unhealthy way....we glare at each other-they from their cold dark dungeon in the fridge- me from above -large knife in hand, craving to hack them into pieces.....yet, we seem to 'need' eachother....sometimes, dysfunction makes you feel alive...

other than raw, they need to be cooked to death for me to eat them...i mean carmelized to a deep, dark brown with all their natural sugars purged-almost incinerated....when they are 'half- cooked', by my standards- just glossy, with still a little chew to them, which i feel as rubbery- they make me weep - can't eat 'em....none of this 'middle of the road' crap, for me-in position, music or onions...and this is true for all genre of onion- yellow, white, spring , shallots, etc....it is an all encompassing onion ethic to which i hold tightly...

one of my favorite recipes in the universe is my mother's onion sauce...a simple yet rich, thick velvety blanket of deliciousness served several different ways...i have been told i should bottle and sell it...
when made... pounds of onions are sliced and never a tear is shed....but those eyeball-ish pearl onions floating in thick white goop that people serve for thanksgiving....or wormy "french onion" soup....THOSE make we weep OUT LOUD...YUK!

i have a plush stuffed onion...yes i DO!  when you smack or sqeeze it...it makes a crying noise....mark gave it to me years ago....it was 'cute'- so he thought and so did i when i saw it... as i sit here it peers out at me from my slightly open desk drawer .....he seems to be laughing at me, he wants to kill me...he is evil and scary and yet...i love him....
an odd little gift, i know, who has a plush onion? only me...but then, only mark would buy such a thing....little did he know what a cruel joke that would seem on this night 11 years later...i should post a picture of it on facebook...it has arms and legs and is anatomically correct....but the FUCKER can't make me sleep....CAN YOU, ONION??? HUH??? stop LOOKING AT ME!

the insomnia onion cure text states that if need be,  one should put sliced onion under one's pillow, if the "jar breathing" does not work....can't do it-my kiwi cat will never sleep there with me again...cats HATE onions...cats are wise and perhaps they know something we do not...they do not trust them.....why would they? besides, can you imagine how badly that would reek after a few days??

well...it is time to go back to bed and try, once more....i am going to take the plush onion and place it under my pillow....why not? what can it hurt? you never know what can work and maybe he will suffocate under there...and stop making that annoying crying noise...that will teach the little bastard to laugh at me....

warm milk and a jar of onions

2:10 AM and i have just finished perusing the endless listings of insomnia remedies on the web..so many of which i cannot use for medical reasons....i should be EXHAUSTED after hardly sleeping last night, as well as one night earlier in the week....
i was active all day long...labored in the garden for hours in the sun and soaked up some vitamin d- was active indoors the remainder of the day... did NOT nap... exercised...consumed copious amounts of tulsi tea, took my supplements PLUS extra calcium...did not eat dinner late...took two 5htp's and my GNC sleep formula....and one other remedy i will get to later....
wait-was it the avocado pudding?? nah...i ate it before 8PM and it had honey in it which is supposed to help induce sleep... by the way-you REALLY need to have that recipe..i will post it one night when i am in a recipe posting kind of mood... :)
i read quite a few comments on a sleep deprivation forum where insomniacs share remedies and rituals they use ...i'll tell you there was some weird shit there, for sure....one woman said her husband has found it helpful to wear a hat to bed....WHAAAA????
all the articles repeat the same information...go to bed the same time every night- get up the same time every day....exercise...avoid caffeine ( don't use the stuff)...have the room and house as dark as possible/ avoid any bright light ....use relaxing cd's ( i am getting sick of the ocean)...make sure the room is cool....(roger on ALL of those things)....and if you still can't sleep don't lie there too long- get up and listen to relaxing music ( yeah and wake the rest of the house up) or READ....read??? didn't you JUST tell me to avoid light??? how does one read without light??? WTF???!! 

this evening i tried a 'new' "ancient" remedy, read about earlier...allegedly, this has been used successfully for eons ...a jar of onions
yes...you hack up an onion and place it in a jar with a tight fitting lid ... before sleep you inhale the vapors which are supposed to emit something that causes a something-something in your brain that induces deep slumber...well, i could hardly smell the onion- i did not 'cry'....do you think my onion was bad? i breathed deeply, nonetheless....
i did feel sleepy afterwards but that all ended when the 'light' went on in my head.. as if someone flipped a switch in my brain..a shot of adrenaline...whatever the FRAK it is that wakes me up...

we are going to a concert tomorrow night that i have looked forward to enjoying ...wanted to feel good.. look good ( something that is really "iffy' these days since mostly i appear to be about 90 due to the deprivation of proper rest) 
i paid a small fortune for the ticket..an amount i cannot nearly justify in my current financial state, or any, really...ridiculous, i can't believe i did this...
so...i REALLY want to have a good time but i fear, if things go as usual after 2 nights in a row of this...i will be planted in my seat trying to stay awake, providing that my 3 companions have not already had to carry me into the venue and slide me like a bag of jello into the seat... IN THE 4TH ROW....well then, i won't have to be annoyed about the 6 foot 7 person in front of me who is  blocking my view and the one next to him with the hugest head you have ever seen in your entire life , who is blocking my alternate view (or the one behind me who keeps spilling his beer on my head and screaming in my ear).... even THAT close i struggle to see what is happening on stage...rationalization, a beautiful thing.....
 at least i know i will sleep tomorrow night.... it better be worth 200 frigging bucks...
am i out of my ever loving fucking mind??? i have never spent that much money on a concert ticket in my life and never thought i would...i don't care if the seats are in the fourth row!! this is lunacy! that is more than half a weeks pay for me..WHEN I AM EMPLOYED...which i am NOT right now....it's got to be the insomnia...i am not thinking straight at ALL....my mind is mashed potatoes...
geddy lee had better take me out of the audience and serenade me personally and have justin hayward there as a special guest to accompany him....THEN take me out to dinner!!

eh..it is only money..huh? it's replaceable...has a spiritual aspect to it and it is meaningless...i will tell my landlord that one when i can't pay the rent next month....

so currently as i write this, and badly i might add, i am sucking down a mug of warm milk..desperation has set in...all the "info" on insomnia says not to * get desperate* because that just makes your chances of sleep less likely....of course, this is in the midst of an article that tells you lack of sleep can kill you...comforting, no? hence, my irritability and apprehension at even attempting to try again...maybe i should just stay up all night  and read about more remedies...or jump off the roof?...oh shit- it is not high enough...i would just break my legs and that would totally SUCK....but,wait ...pain meds??? hmm..that is tempting....

the onion worked on mark...of course i shared the jar with him- not that he needed it ..he just enjoys the aroma of anything that is food....he passed right out and he is now probably dreaming of a cheeseburger with raw onion....i would love to dream of anything...i cannot remember the last time i had a dream...but i guess that would require SLEEPING......

i do DAYdream alot....about life in tuscany....having more friends....more money....enjoying great health....AND SLEEPING!!!!

i am going to go give that jar of onions one more shot...the milk is empty and my bladder is full..and i have miles to go before i sleep....

 i think next time...if i am unfortunate enough to have a next time...i will try soaking an onion in chamomile tea..add honey and eat it ..then take several valerian capsules and some melatonin...stand on my head and make chipmunk noises, then run in place for 20 minutes..take a hot bath and put lavender under my pillow....after manipulating all the pressure points on my body that activate sleep....

oh and i guess i had better buy a hat....

monkey mind

here i am again... almost 2 AM and cannot sleep, but at 2 PM i can crash like a stone...i think my body-clock is a mess...

why is it that some nights as i try to sleep, my mind starts to work like a dog on just about everything in the world there is...i wonder why people do the insane things they do...i plan meals for the week...think of new recipes to try....remember a bill i have to pay....make new floral designs in my head...get sick to my stomach wondering about the fate of this planet and i wonder what robert plant is doing right now...
as my partner in life is deep in slumber, dreaming of front row rush concert seats and dark chocolate covered cookies,  and i hear the gentle breathing of 4 cats doing what they do best....all in comas...
'monkey mind' is what this is called...
is it hormonal?... maybe it's emotional...perhaps i don't want to miss one second of life - sleep seems such a waste of time...but, when i crash hard into an afternoon nap, i have no choice... i just fall over...and awake aggravated that i wasted the afternoon...maybe the concept of sleep just annoys me ....that's weird...

insomnia is an epidemic in this country...actually, all over the world...there are bed manufacturers designing mattresses that allegedly provide the perfect night's sleep...sleep study groups...herbal remedies...self- hypnosis cd's...aromatherapy...warm milk..a bevy of prescription drugs...and a WHOLE LOT of profit being made on those of us who haunt the wee hours....which brings me to ask the question...is this yet another plot? always the conspiracy theorist, am i....

it *could* be environmental...you see there is this phenomena called global dimming... caused by a thick mass of pollution in the sky which actually blocks the sun's rays ... so we get less sun and less vitamin d ...and vitamin d deficiency causes us not to sleep as well as we should...along with DEPRESSION and anxiety, all kinds of mental illness, bone disease, poor immunity, overweight and is indicated in cancer- just to name a few 'little' things....this is NOT good, at all....
and the lack of sleep exacerbates all those things, as well........

so, yes we can take vitamin d3 ( and it MUST be d3 ONLY) supplements...but it is not 'quite' the same
... this lack of sunlight affects almost every aspect of our lives ..really...google it!



i remember days in the sun as a kid...hours and hours out in the street playing...riding my bike...fishing...swimming in the ocean... i would turn as brown as a walnut and never burn...i got plenty of vitamin d...food was clean...water was clean...
and no one had to take drugs to sleep, think, or be happy...or concentrate on school work or to curb bad behavior...we got whacked on the ass or in the head for that...it worked...

there are times when i feel i really can't take this world, anymore....it seems like a black comedy, full of ugly clowns and beautiful plastic villains...few others seem to care for anything but their own immediate gratification, or what you have to offer them....they can't commit to seeing you too far in advance for fear something better may come up...much less hold a door for you, offer condolences when appropriate, or even remember your birthday.....can i blame this ALL on lack of proper sunlight? maybe to some degree...i would love to... but i just remembered that I remember EVERYONE'S birthday...and think of others before myself, quite often and we all live under the same sun...hmmm....i feel another blog topic brewing there...


i am going to go back to bed and ponder that for the next few hours before i finally drift off to sleep an hour or so before the alarm goes off....i wish someone would PLEASE whack me in the head...

i wonder what meryl streep is doing, right now....probably sleeping...