my fear of license renewal...another reason to hate driving

i cannot sleep and, as usual, i am not sure why...it isn't always my 'monkey mind' keeping me from blissful slumber...but this night- i think it could be....
i have to renew my driver's license later this morning...i could put it off one more week but i just want to get it over with... and move on...

a few weeks ago i was grocery shopping at the 'fresh market'...a place i love to go to get great organic produce and other foods i cannot find in our 'regular' grocery store...they have exotic beans...bulk nuts of every kind imaginable, a great chocolate selection, lactose free yogurt and mark's beloved PG tips british tea...and usually new items that i am either intrigued by... or items i have not found since moving from long island a million years ago....i look forward to the pleasant ambiance of the store, surrounded by fresh flowers and the fragrance of baked goods i cannot eat, but enjoy looking at as works of art...( yes, i suffer for art...)
as i was checking out and fantasizing about a gorgeous chocolate truffle tartlet i had seen moments before... i got out my checkbook and handed the cashier my license...when she handed it back to me she said "OH your license needs to be renewed next month..did you know? "...i gazed at her like she had six heads with a look i could feel on my face as scrunched up and dismayed and said..." excuse me? " ...she said..." your license...it expires next month"....my mouth dropped open and i thought she must be kidding....she handed it back to me and i looked and sure enough it said expires 6/9/11....my heart stopped for a second and i felt a stab in the pit of my stomach....i thanked the cashier and lady packing my haul and in a what felt like a drunken stupor...got to my car....
i was SURE this was a mistake...i JUST renewed this only a couple of years ago! i whipped the license out of my wallet again to make sure... i could not understand HOW it could be 8 years.....already??
i REMEBERED very clearly when i had last renewed this damned license....like it was YESTERDAY...i remembered what i was WEARING...and i remembered  as i sat waiting my turn, in the motor vehilce office... thinking it would be strange to renew a license now every 8 years...that is a LONG time...and i recalled saying to myself that i wondered what my life would be like in 8 years and where i might be....because...who knows??
all the drive home i could not comprehend how 8 years could have passed so quickly...i was nauseous...upset....perplexed....confused...bewildered...i CRIED for shit's sake!

it was the june before myself and the two kitties- kiwi and oscar- moved in with mark...i did not know then that i would be doing so in a few short months- we had been together for 4 years then....i was working at michael's as head floral designer - a kind of 'extension' of a previous job in the same building at mj designs- which had gone out of business..mj designs was a desperation job after being downsized out of my job as an assistant designer and trim merchandiser for a ladies dress company....the last job in a long line of crazy, stressful jobs within the fashion and design industry....i did not miss it- i had totally burned out on it...and mj designs was the LOWEST paying , but the MOST FUN job i had ever had....i spent my days doing florals and managing an aisle of ribbon... we had the best crew of employees i had ever worked with...i finally made friends- which had been a task since moving north of NY city- creative people- FUN people- NICE PEOPLE!!...and i looked forward to going to work each day....my co-workers were like family - there was no back-stabbing, no fights...no huge egos...we all got along really well and enjoyed eachother's company...we socialized and i had made several good friends i really thought would be lifelong....when we got the news mj's was closing we were all devastated...but within not quite a year michael's arts and crafts took over the store and many of us RUSHED to get rehired to work there  together... many of us did....the pay was better...the company was a bit 'different'...but the eventual management SUCKED... after our former store manager who came from mj's left for a better job....long story short...after several years i wanted out ...the day i sat in the motor vehicle office wondering what 8 years would bring...i wondered if i would EVER find another job or be in jail for killing the current manager....two months later i would be working for a small hat making company in an old loft with the two owners and their rottweiller...

after my license picture was taken i took it but was afraid to look...i never did photograph well...i took a breath and viewed what was the all time worst picture of myself i had ever seen..worse than a mugshot...i let out a groan thinking that i had to look at that for 8 years and wondered if i would  recognize myself at all after that long...and would anyone else? what if i got stopped by a cop and my hair was a different color and worn differently- do i have to KEEP it this way???...would he think i stole someone else's license? how will i remember to renew this in 8 years??? they NEVER send you a notice that you are up for renewal.. ( i always thought this was a ploy- the state would hope you would not remember so at some point when you were found out that you would have to pay a large fine for driving without a license)... always the conspiracy theorist, i am....

NEVER in a million years would i have guessed a cashier in a store that did not exist then would remind me as i was paying for organic spinach and gruyere cheese....never would i have guessed i would be living in the boonies with mark, have planted 8 gardens, lived with two additional cats... (one of whom would leave us with a huge void almost 8 years later)... that my father would have had a stroke in two years, been in a nursing home another 5 and passed away, and that my step mother would also become very ill...and also pass away a year and a half later...and mark's father, also, would have died....never would i have guessed i would be driving my father's car that he would give to me...that i'd be re-hired at the ladies dress company to design and sell...get laid off from there AGAIN...write trucking permits for 5 months...and then get a job in a floral shop and greenhouse...that i never even knew existed before- less than a mile from home ...and that i would love the work so very much....and never would i have guessed that i felt like i had a home again...for the first time in many, many years... my own little family in mark and the kitties...and maybe i never would have guessed that i could be as happy here as i have been...and i would sleep like a baby (for a few years) every night- no problem....and never would i have guessed i could have the felt pain, stress and frustration within this happy time... along with such moments of deep sadness for the changes in the lives of others that i cared for....

life is weird...you can feel SO SO happy and content and deep sorrow at the same time...i have to say, tho that the sadness can really put a damper on the happy....it is hard to maintain...it is hard to endure sometimes...and even tho you can feel true moments of joy...they are, at times, difficult to hang on to...
so...never would i have guessed that i would try to learn to do just that..and i was successful some of the time and there were many times that i failed miserably...and i am still studying....
generally i am a pretty happy person ...i get upset about injustice and sad about loss...but i am learning to let things go and accept that nothing is perfect....and know that i have SO much to be grateful for....

...except that damned license photograph....

now when i look at it...YES, i DO recognize that person to some degree..and i know that 8 years ago i never would have guessed i would become an insomniac...that my friends would disappear from my life....that i would have hummingbirds in my yard...or that mark and i would have watched battlestar galactica thru TWICE...that there were new adventures to look forward to or that i would have aches and pains...weight to lose...swollen ankles...no living parents...and french lentils in the cupboard ...
and that i would i wish i still looked like that DAMNED worst picture ever taken in the history of my life.....

and in a few hours...there will be a new worst photo of me ever taken ...after an entirely sleepless night...oh boy....

love and ashes...the great tiger cat returns home...

our boy freddy's ashes are home tonight...mark made- what would have been for me a very tearful and heavy journey- to our vet's office this morning to drop off a basket of thanks we made for our vet and his staff and to pick up 'the urn'....surprisingly to me- i think mark has been dealing with the loss of freddy much better than i have...i am not sure why- maybe because there has been alot of loss in my life over the last several years and one more- i just didn't need... i was SO attached to fred- much more than i even realized until his departure...so much of our life revolved around him and his care the last few years, as happens with an elderly pet...but freddy was also such a force of love and life in this house...he was so much a kind and loving soul- even our vet and staff at his office adored him and told us so....we received a beautiful sympathy card and letter from them all saying how freddy touched all their lives and they felt privileged to know him....they were...we were...fred was a shining example of a life lived in love and truly how all living creatures should aspire to be....he accepted, let go, loved, took care of himself and us and the other cats...he mothered and fathered iris when she was a kitten to the extent that he allowed her to 'nurse' on him-as she was removed too soon from her actual mother...he welcomed everyone who entered this house...and carefully examined all before making a judgement about them...freddy was never mean- i don't think i ever saw him hiss- but he would reprimand when necessary with a firm paw -but had alot of patience and endurance....and was always well groomed- an obsessive groomer as a matter of fact...with us he had the most patience- enduring our habits and all the silly nicknames we had for him...and at times i would swear the look on his face was saying 'these two are really pathetic- what a huge job i have taking care of them!'
it is so odd to see this urn and think that 'he' is in there...it doesn't seem real but then- it isn't 'really' freddy....it is just the remains of the beautiful package that this sweet spirit carried himself around in -that we pampered and petted...tended to in his struggles while he endured so much with grace and what often seemed like thanks....each night after mark gave him his thyroid pill- which he had to have the last several years- fred would get right on mark's lap and "groom" his arm for at least a half hour...he really was the easiest cat on earth to give a pill to...he even sometimes would 'remind' us if he did not get it on time and would knock the bottle off the dresser where it was kept....i swear he knew he needed it and knew why....he was not as easy about injections when he was diabetic for about 6 months...but he was still SO good- he would wince and then it was over- he never scratched or bit- somehow he seemed to trust us and know that whatever we were doing it was for a reason to benefit him....we were lucky and fred was one of those cats who was 'cured' of diabetes and our 'prayers' were answered when we no longer had to give the injections to him and just keep him on a special diet...

so this little urn contains the essence of fred's body but not freddy himself ....his love lives on in us...and his lessons to us seem greater now than before his passing...we called freddy the zen cat- because no matter what he always maintained an air of calm and dignity....and i learned alot from him about how to handle life...don't over-react...try not to judge....always try to look your best...and nap as much as possible....
i miss this little creature SO much....i feel like part of me is gone but i am trying very hard to hold on to the love and the knowledge that he is happy...and i realize my missing him is selfish and based in the physical world...so i cry a little, still, everyday - and talk to myself about still being able to love him and feel the love he had for me and mark...it IS the physical that we miss...and i know in time i will get used to it and be only happy for having been so honored to have him in my life and able to keep his warmth around me...there have been other special creatures in my life - as special as freddy who are long gone and tho i still feel the loss of them at times- i smile when i remember them and feel fortunate to have known them...i know i can do this in time with fred...maybe the older we get the harder loss is- one would think it would get easier- but it doesn't....
i have been very lucky to have been able to spend alot of time with some of my pets over the years- having worked at home for awhile and being unemployed here and there...the last year and a half i spent alot of time home and with the cats....fred was almost always on his pillow in the bedroom and each time i went in there and walked past him- he got a kiss on the head...i miss kissing him...and the look he would have on his face when i entered the room- reaching a paw out and giving a 'yap'- saying hello and asking for a pet...or a kiss..he did like kisses....and i watched him groom himself and watched him interact with the other cats as the elder- sometimes giving oscar a whack on the head when deserved...it always made me laugh...i watched his careful care of himself as if he was repainting every tiger stripe with his tongue...restoring and placing every inch of fur where it 'belonged' and his utter self respect....and his unwavering expectation of everyone else respecting his "me" time....when he was done- he was all yours but you did not mess with his grooming...it was unacceptable and you would get a look of indignation as if to say....how dare you! and within seconds you were forgiven...
so ...the longer i look at the urn the more i feel it contains not the essence of freddy, but the physical proof that he existed- which is not his most important aspect....and as much as i long to still bury my fingers into the thick white fur of his chest and rest my cheek on his head- scratch under his chin and hear him purr....i know he is well now... i have felt him around us and i am glad he is happy and whole.... and i do feel i will see him again one day....so for now i will try to keep his love in my heart and keep to the things he taught me...especially the "nap as often as possible" part....
we have an urn of ashes but so much more- we have a love that was and is and always will be so special and for that i think mark and i are two of the luckiest people on earth...

thank you freddy for your love and all you taught us and thanks to the universe for giving us to him ;-)