to all of you who are still fighting OR gloating about the election

i would like to say something...to all of you who are still fighting OR gloating about the election AND those of you who are 'yelling at' those who are...
first  this has not been a 'sporting event' and not about whose 'team' won or lost and tho you THINK it is - it is NOT 'personal' for you...the President of this country DOES NOT work for YOU but for ALL OF US- not your own personal beliefs, religious convictions or values...and anyone wanting to shove those down everyone else's throat is not being patriotic but SELF ABSORBED..we can ALL still have our own beliefs...but some of those things are NOT what we need to worry about right now and many should not be issues ( ie:if you don't believe in abortion- DON'T HAVE ONE)  i, personally don't like my tax money being spent on dropping bombs on people- but, it is not up to me alone and i must accept that.. i can still NOT agree with it...we all have different values and to be a leader for all of us in not an easy job and in my opinion not really 'realistic' because i don't think we have ONE leader...the thing is..WE have to all be involved..we are at a very critical, scary time in this country and in the world.. but if we keep fighting with each other we lose an opportunity to help and the first best way we can do that is to stop fighting and face REALITY...NO ONE is going to 'fix' our problems...30 years of excesses and abuses within this system are not fixable in a few years...for some of us it might not even be seen in our LIFETIME...no ONE person- neither candidate or anyone else really 'knows' what to do about it..because in reality the entire system NEEDS to fail in order for it to recover...it has become like an addict that has hit bottom...those are the cold hard facts and WE are going to have to sacrifice in order for there EVER to be prosperity in this country again- if that is even possible...China is poised for becoming the economic leader and their currency the standard for oil...that is probably GOING to happen...and the American dollar IS probably going to default...and there is nothing to do about it...printing money with nothing backing it is a laughable concept- even I can understand that!!  we need to be ready ...we need to survive and  it is an opportunity for the people of this country to COME TOGETHER, help one another and figure out HOW to TAKE BACK CONTROL of this country TOGETHER.. we are going to NEED one another...the system needs to change but we have given up our power to make it change and have taken up BLAMING others...we have become lazy and expect others to take care of it for us...while we were busy working 3 jobs and taking the kids to soccer practice and watching football games and movies- OR distracting ourselves with possessions and occupying time with meaningless pursuits many of our rights and any power we had were taken from us...but WE LET IT HAPPEN because it was 'easy' to let others take over and we got sucked right into it and were lead down a very unrealistic path... to complacency and 'comfort'...while we were told to spend- spend-spend on what we cannot afford...but were the proponents of that REALLY dumb enough to think that would make us ALL prosperous? a question we all need to ask...i don't think so- i think they knew EXACTLY what it would do and figured we were all dumb enough to believe it...and WE WERE...we never even questioned it...we trusted and we never should have ... and now we are all pretty much screwed..most of us, anyway ...things are going to get rougher here and we need to stick together and figure out what to do about it...but mostly we need to UNITE...STOP HATING it does not FIX anything..it makes everything worse...we are all here together...if you constantly need to have your beliefs validated then perhaps you need to reevaluate them and make sure they are YOUR beliefs and not what someone ELSE has told you that you MUST believe...those who are firm in theirs do not need to push them on others...FEAR is the biggest enemy we have ..and that is the root of hatred... we all need to have some faith in others and ourselves and stop BLAMING other people for your problems...including the PRESIDENT because it is NOT his fault...and he is NOT your  'government' tho you may believe he is..not matter WHOM he is...he is NOT in control of everything...
 we don't need most of the things we THINK we do and we are going to learn the hard way what alot of those things are...some of us have already had some experience in that area..and we are going to learn what IS really important to our lives and we are going to learn some VERY hard lessons...the more we keep dividing ourselves and think we are separate from one another- the worse things will get...we cannot let that happen...
our whole system of government needs to change...maybe WE all have to figure out how to do that because the powers that be SURELY do not want it to..they are all PROFITING from it while we are sliding downhill and they will continue to when we are all trying to find food....that is what it is going to come down to..eventually
i have always been someone who believes in 'miracles' and i sure hope we get one and that everything we do have can be saved....but it is not likely ESPECIALLY  if we KEEP FIGHTING AND HATING...miracles come to people who have faith in 'something'- call it God- The Universe- Nature- whatever you want to call it... and in themselves....not to those who hate and fight and constantly spew negative energy...nothing GOOD ever comes of that....we need to be positive no matter what....

we ALL need to take some RESPONSIBILITY for ourselves and be kind-learn to accept things as they are- fighting them and being fill of anguish and vitriol just makes  YOU sick...discover other people that you don't think you relate to..we can all learn from one another...fear is the true enemy...hate is never solves anything- VENGEANCE is never a good option...and feeling like you have to 'get over on others' is never an answer...it has been the ruination of this society ...stop "WANTING" so much 'stuff' and start wanting what you have- the people in your life- the love you have in your homes...if you are unhappy then figure out why and take responsibility for it and CHANGE it...it is YOUR duty to make you happy - no one else's...if we can change our attitudes- and i include mySELF in that...we can change alot and we can survive anything but we are never going to do so if we are hating one another...things will get much uglier than we can imagine....'what' we have been doing is most certainly NOT working..is it?
perhaps we should ACCEPT what is....and BE GRATEFUL for what we DO have in our lives because ONLY gratitude is going to keep us open to change for the better...
this is not my 'opinion'....it is knowledge from much greater sources than myself...it makes sense to me and it certainly cannot HURT anything...why don't we try it?
just a thought...

my fear of license renewal...another reason to hate driving

i cannot sleep and, as usual, i am not sure why...it isn't always my 'monkey mind' keeping me from blissful slumber...but this night- i think it could be....
i have to renew my driver's license later this morning...i could put it off one more week but i just want to get it over with... and move on...

a few weeks ago i was grocery shopping at the 'fresh market'...a place i love to go to get great organic produce and other foods i cannot find in our 'regular' grocery store...they have exotic beans...bulk nuts of every kind imaginable, a great chocolate selection, lactose free yogurt and mark's beloved PG tips british tea...and usually new items that i am either intrigued by... or items i have not found since moving from long island a million years ago....i look forward to the pleasant ambiance of the store, surrounded by fresh flowers and the fragrance of baked goods i cannot eat, but enjoy looking at as works of art...( yes, i suffer for art...)
as i was checking out and fantasizing about a gorgeous chocolate truffle tartlet i had seen moments before... i got out my checkbook and handed the cashier my license...when she handed it back to me she said "OH your license needs to be renewed next month..did you know? "...i gazed at her like she had six heads with a look i could feel on my face as scrunched up and dismayed and said..." excuse me? " ...she said..." your license...it expires next month"....my mouth dropped open and i thought she must be kidding....she handed it back to me and i looked and sure enough it said expires 6/9/11....my heart stopped for a second and i felt a stab in the pit of my stomach....i thanked the cashier and lady packing my haul and in a what felt like a drunken stupor...got to my car....
i was SURE this was a mistake...i JUST renewed this only a couple of years ago! i whipped the license out of my wallet again to make sure... i could not understand HOW it could be 8 years.....already??
i REMEBERED very clearly when i had last renewed this damned license....like it was YESTERDAY...i remembered what i was WEARING...and i remembered  as i sat waiting my turn, in the motor vehilce office... thinking it would be strange to renew a license now every 8 years...that is a LONG time...and i recalled saying to myself that i wondered what my life would be like in 8 years and where i might be....because...who knows??
all the drive home i could not comprehend how 8 years could have passed so quickly...i was nauseous...upset....perplexed....confused...bewildered...i CRIED for shit's sake!

it was the june before myself and the two kitties- kiwi and oscar- moved in with mark...i did not know then that i would be doing so in a few short months- we had been together for 4 years then....i was working at michael's as head floral designer - a kind of 'extension' of a previous job in the same building at mj designs- which had gone out of business..mj designs was a desperation job after being downsized out of my job as an assistant designer and trim merchandiser for a ladies dress company....the last job in a long line of crazy, stressful jobs within the fashion and design industry....i did not miss it- i had totally burned out on it...and mj designs was the LOWEST paying , but the MOST FUN job i had ever had....i spent my days doing florals and managing an aisle of ribbon... we had the best crew of employees i had ever worked with...i finally made friends- which had been a task since moving north of NY city- creative people- FUN people- NICE PEOPLE!!...and i looked forward to going to work each day....my co-workers were like family - there was no back-stabbing, no fights...no huge egos...we all got along really well and enjoyed eachother's company...we socialized and i had made several good friends i really thought would be lifelong....when we got the news mj's was closing we were all devastated...but within not quite a year michael's arts and crafts took over the store and many of us RUSHED to get rehired to work there  together... many of us did....the pay was better...the company was a bit 'different'...but the eventual management SUCKED... after our former store manager who came from mj's left for a better job....long story short...after several years i wanted out ...the day i sat in the motor vehicle office wondering what 8 years would bring...i wondered if i would EVER find another job or be in jail for killing the current manager....two months later i would be working for a small hat making company in an old loft with the two owners and their rottweiller...

after my license picture was taken i took it but was afraid to look...i never did photograph well...i took a breath and viewed what was the all time worst picture of myself i had ever seen..worse than a mugshot...i let out a groan thinking that i had to look at that for 8 years and wondered if i would  recognize myself at all after that long...and would anyone else? what if i got stopped by a cop and my hair was a different color and worn differently- do i have to KEEP it this way???...would he think i stole someone else's license? how will i remember to renew this in 8 years??? they NEVER send you a notice that you are up for renewal.. ( i always thought this was a ploy- the state would hope you would not remember so at some point when you were found out that you would have to pay a large fine for driving without a license)... always the conspiracy theorist, i am....

NEVER in a million years would i have guessed a cashier in a store that did not exist then would remind me as i was paying for organic spinach and gruyere cheese....never would i have guessed i would be living in the boonies with mark, have planted 8 gardens, lived with two additional cats... (one of whom would leave us with a huge void almost 8 years later)... that my father would have had a stroke in two years, been in a nursing home another 5 and passed away, and that my step mother would also become very ill...and also pass away a year and a half later...and mark's father, also, would have died....never would i have guessed i would be driving my father's car that he would give to me...that i'd be re-hired at the ladies dress company to design and sell...get laid off from there AGAIN...write trucking permits for 5 months...and then get a job in a floral shop and greenhouse...that i never even knew existed before- less than a mile from home ...and that i would love the work so very much....and never would i have guessed that i felt like i had a home again...for the first time in many, many years... my own little family in mark and the kitties...and maybe i never would have guessed that i could be as happy here as i have been...and i would sleep like a baby (for a few years) every night- no problem....and never would i have guessed i could have the felt pain, stress and frustration within this happy time... along with such moments of deep sadness for the changes in the lives of others that i cared for....

life is weird...you can feel SO SO happy and content and deep sorrow at the same time...i have to say, tho that the sadness can really put a damper on the happy....it is hard to maintain...it is hard to endure sometimes...and even tho you can feel true moments of joy...they are, at times, difficult to hang on to...
so...never would i have guessed that i would try to learn to do just that..and i was successful some of the time and there were many times that i failed miserably...and i am still studying....
generally i am a pretty happy person ...i get upset about injustice and sad about loss...but i am learning to let things go and accept that nothing is perfect....and know that i have SO much to be grateful for....

...except that damned license photograph....

now when i look at it...YES, i DO recognize that person to some degree..and i know that 8 years ago i never would have guessed i would become an insomniac...that my friends would disappear from my life....that i would have hummingbirds in my yard...or that mark and i would have watched battlestar galactica thru TWICE...that there were new adventures to look forward to or that i would have aches and pains...weight to lose...swollen ankles...no living parents...and french lentils in the cupboard ...
and that i would i wish i still looked like that DAMNED worst picture ever taken in the history of my life.....

and in a few hours...there will be a new worst photo of me ever taken ...after an entirely sleepless night...oh boy....

love and ashes...the great tiger cat returns home...

our boy freddy's ashes are home tonight...mark made- what would have been for me a very tearful and heavy journey- to our vet's office this morning to drop off a basket of thanks we made for our vet and his staff and to pick up 'the urn'....surprisingly to me- i think mark has been dealing with the loss of freddy much better than i have...i am not sure why- maybe because there has been alot of loss in my life over the last several years and one more- i just didn't need... i was SO attached to fred- much more than i even realized until his departure...so much of our life revolved around him and his care the last few years, as happens with an elderly pet...but freddy was also such a force of love and life in this house...he was so much a kind and loving soul- even our vet and staff at his office adored him and told us so....we received a beautiful sympathy card and letter from them all saying how freddy touched all their lives and they felt privileged to know him....they were...we were...fred was a shining example of a life lived in love and truly how all living creatures should aspire to be....he accepted, let go, loved, took care of himself and us and the other cats...he mothered and fathered iris when she was a kitten to the extent that he allowed her to 'nurse' on him-as she was removed too soon from her actual mother...he welcomed everyone who entered this house...and carefully examined all before making a judgement about them...freddy was never mean- i don't think i ever saw him hiss- but he would reprimand when necessary with a firm paw -but had alot of patience and endurance....and was always well groomed- an obsessive groomer as a matter of fact...with us he had the most patience- enduring our habits and all the silly nicknames we had for him...and at times i would swear the look on his face was saying 'these two are really pathetic- what a huge job i have taking care of them!'
it is so odd to see this urn and think that 'he' is in there...it doesn't seem real but then- it isn't 'really' freddy....it is just the remains of the beautiful package that this sweet spirit carried himself around in -that we pampered and petted...tended to in his struggles while he endured so much with grace and what often seemed like thanks....each night after mark gave him his thyroid pill- which he had to have the last several years- fred would get right on mark's lap and "groom" his arm for at least a half hour...he really was the easiest cat on earth to give a pill to...he even sometimes would 'remind' us if he did not get it on time and would knock the bottle off the dresser where it was kept....i swear he knew he needed it and knew why....he was not as easy about injections when he was diabetic for about 6 months...but he was still SO good- he would wince and then it was over- he never scratched or bit- somehow he seemed to trust us and know that whatever we were doing it was for a reason to benefit him....we were lucky and fred was one of those cats who was 'cured' of diabetes and our 'prayers' were answered when we no longer had to give the injections to him and just keep him on a special diet...

so this little urn contains the essence of fred's body but not freddy himself ....his love lives on in us...and his lessons to us seem greater now than before his passing...we called freddy the zen cat- because no matter what he always maintained an air of calm and dignity....and i learned alot from him about how to handle life...don't over-react...try not to judge....always try to look your best...and nap as much as possible....
i miss this little creature SO much....i feel like part of me is gone but i am trying very hard to hold on to the love and the knowledge that he is happy...and i realize my missing him is selfish and based in the physical world...so i cry a little, still, everyday - and talk to myself about still being able to love him and feel the love he had for me and mark...it IS the physical that we miss...and i know in time i will get used to it and be only happy for having been so honored to have him in my life and able to keep his warmth around me...there have been other special creatures in my life - as special as freddy who are long gone and tho i still feel the loss of them at times- i smile when i remember them and feel fortunate to have known them...i know i can do this in time with fred...maybe the older we get the harder loss is- one would think it would get easier- but it doesn't....
i have been very lucky to have been able to spend alot of time with some of my pets over the years- having worked at home for awhile and being unemployed here and there...the last year and a half i spent alot of time home and with the cats....fred was almost always on his pillow in the bedroom and each time i went in there and walked past him- he got a kiss on the head...i miss kissing him...and the look he would have on his face when i entered the room- reaching a paw out and giving a 'yap'- saying hello and asking for a pet...or a kiss..he did like kisses....and i watched him groom himself and watched him interact with the other cats as the elder- sometimes giving oscar a whack on the head when deserved...it always made me laugh...i watched his careful care of himself as if he was repainting every tiger stripe with his tongue...restoring and placing every inch of fur where it 'belonged' and his utter self respect....and his unwavering expectation of everyone else respecting his "me" time....when he was done- he was all yours but you did not mess with his grooming...it was unacceptable and you would get a look of indignation as if to say....how dare you! and within seconds you were forgiven...
so ...the longer i look at the urn the more i feel it contains not the essence of freddy, but the physical proof that he existed- which is not his most important aspect....and as much as i long to still bury my fingers into the thick white fur of his chest and rest my cheek on his head- scratch under his chin and hear him purr....i know he is well now... i have felt him around us and i am glad he is happy and whole.... and i do feel i will see him again one day....so for now i will try to keep his love in my heart and keep to the things he taught me...especially the "nap as often as possible" part....
we have an urn of ashes but so much more- we have a love that was and is and always will be so special and for that i think mark and i are two of the luckiest people on earth...

thank you freddy for your love and all you taught us and thanks to the universe for giving us to him ;-)

be thankful- by an unknown author

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

Author Unknown

does anyone truly have 829 REAL friends????

during this time of year- my mind travels to times in the past and often,  to places of some sadness...
of course we all think of those we have loved who are no longer with us and, our joyful times with them...and tho i miss my family and friends who have crossed, i also find a place inside of me that is hurt and puzzled by those who are alive and well- but no longer a true part of my life-  who are so consumed by their own chaos -they have no vision of anything outside of their own little worlds...

i think of my friend linda monti olsen- gone now, for years.....she was really a friend- she cared- she gave and she scolded when necessary and straightened me out...she shared and praised and included me - i was part of her extended family...as she was part of mine...she knew me and i knew her...we weren't conveniences for one another with agendas based on what we had to 'offer' one another...we were friends because we truly enjoyed one another and there was a bond between us..we didn't part ways because we didn't always see the world the same way......we took time and made effort and saw each other with our positives and negatives and loved each other any way....and we were there for one another when life got hard...when a marriage was breaking up and when she became seriously ill....i survived the marriage...she eventually succumbed to the illness...she was barely 40 years old....
i accept that i may not ever have a 'girl'friend like that again in my lifetime....linda was one of a kind


alot of so-called friendships these days seem rather hollow...thin shells of acquaintance with nowhere to go- no room to grow....no depth- width or length....just passing until the novelty wears off or there is a differing view of something- usually of no importance-and the ever sought after validation is no longer there....there is no maturity or respect....it is so often all about the "me".....

i was alone for thanksgiving as, due to my job,  i was not able to travel to mark's  family and he was obligated to take his 90 year old mother to her daughter's house.... i was fine with that,  as i knew i would be exhausted and it would be a good day to get some rest for me...and accepting the fact that floral designers do not get to enjoy holidays...
but, amazingly, i had a couple of invitations- one from someone i hardly know- a very sweet woman-  whom i like very much and one from a co-worker who i have never socialized with outside of work....i did decline both as i was very VERY tired ...but i was very touched and actually amazed that two people whom i have a limited connection with as of now- would think to invite me for dinner....while  women i have called my friends -wouldn't have a clue what i was doing for the holiday....

my father passed away last november...not one of those "friends" made any effort to offer condolences, except on facebook- when they happened to read about it and one has still not even acknowledged his passing to me....now i am pretty low on expectations from people but i have to admit- that hurts....and yes i was and still am somewhat angry about it ( working on letting go of that )....no one could send a sympathy card? make a phone call? i know everyone is busy but as we say in cyber lingo- WTF??? sorry, but that is just not acceptable....and it has left an indelible mark on those relationships....i surely am not perfect but i would never think of not making the effort to call-send a card-make contact ....i forgive them because it is better for me to do so....but i won't forget because it reminds me that the people we do have in our lives who are truly comrades- are precious...that no one REALLY has "470" friends and that the meaningful relationships we have need to be nurtured by both parties involved....one cannot be the only one who remembers to send a birthday card, or when an anniversary is, make the phone calls or be the one to attempt to organize get together's every single time- ( which they can never make)...it just doesn't work and one grows tired...frustrated..starts to question herself...for no good reason...

i have always needed to 'remember' to have boundaries and not to give 'too much' of myself because of feeling 'obligated' to or of wanting to be liked- you cannot make someone like you....friendship is voluntary -it's joys are simple, pure and friends LOVE one another- it is a choice ....they don't forget about you because you have moved further away than what is a short comfortable drive for them and you can no longer rescue them in the middle of the night...
i know there are those who just can't pull themselves out of the muck of their lives - i understand that...but i have grown far beyond that and perhaps i have become a reminder,  an unwanted messenger of information they are too scared to face...of what they also need to accomplish to be happy inside their own skins....it can feel threatening to think of losing one's excuse for complaints and gaining sympathy....
i am happy... and i am grateful..and i have my 'moments' when i slip- but i get right back on the horse, now....i have a 'little' life, but with some of the 'big' things in it that many people seem to chase their whole lives....i was lucky to get here in mid life...many never do and that is sad..because it is not all so complicated....i give many thanks to the universe for guiding me here....my life is not problem-free... they happen...i deal with them but my life is now free of FEAR and so, solving problems is easier, never impossible and i have learned to see them as opportunities because they ARE.... it took work and effort to get here...and it is not easy but it IS simple.....
i am not better than anyone or smarter than everyone....i just wanted to be happy and to stop blaming others for my past discontentment...fear is the enemy and there is nothing to be fearful of....but it is a life-long process and takes a commitment....and one has to work on it every single day...but it is worth it and becomes second nature after a short while....

i have love in my life..it comes, foremost, in the form of a somewhat off-beat man with a huge heart and and it comes wrapped in fur- they are my 'home'....and several endearing characters of different types and lifestyles and beliefs...one very dear to me, and his partner- that i don't see often because of logistics, but always in my heart and vice versa....another of only a couple of years - young enough to be my daughter but has an old soul.... also a godchild/friend- the only thread that remains from a marriage in another lifetime and has endured since she was just an amazing little girl...and several others....and i have me....i don't need 1, 234 "friends" who are acquaintances and don't even know if i have siblings or not or when my birthday is unless it is posted on their facebook home page....tho i DO enjoy most of my mere 63 FB "friends"...they are fun..and i enjoy the re-connections with cousins and distant family that went many years without contact...i love that the most about it...

i wish for my former 'girl'friends (don't know what else to call them ) that they will- one day- take responsibility for their own happiness ..to stop filling their minds with self inflicted mayhem  i wish them the ability to reach outside of their own selves and understand that self-absorption is the key to unhappiness-and how much they have hurt others because of it...that they are not the only persons in the world who know pain or have problems...and i wish them release from fear and the gift of gratitude...because they have much more to be thankful for then they realize...

more gratitude+ less complaining =life WILL get better....get some if you need to...it works..

this is worth sharing....everyone needs to know this

http://www.mind-your-reality.com/thought_power.html