does anyone truly have 829 REAL friends????

during this time of year- my mind travels to times in the past and often,  to places of some sadness...
of course we all think of those we have loved who are no longer with us and, our joyful times with them...and tho i miss my family and friends who have crossed, i also find a place inside of me that is hurt and puzzled by those who are alive and well- but no longer a true part of my life-  who are so consumed by their own chaos -they have no vision of anything outside of their own little worlds...

i think of my friend linda monti olsen- gone now, for years.....she was really a friend- she cared- she gave and she scolded when necessary and straightened me out...she shared and praised and included me - i was part of her extended family...as she was part of mine...she knew me and i knew her...we weren't conveniences for one another with agendas based on what we had to 'offer' one another...we were friends because we truly enjoyed one another and there was a bond between us..we didn't part ways because we didn't always see the world the same way......we took time and made effort and saw each other with our positives and negatives and loved each other any way....and we were there for one another when life got hard...when a marriage was breaking up and when she became seriously ill....i survived the marriage...she eventually succumbed to the illness...she was barely 40 years old....
i accept that i may not ever have a 'girl'friend like that again in my lifetime....linda was one of a kind


alot of so-called friendships these days seem rather hollow...thin shells of acquaintance with nowhere to go- no room to grow....no depth- width or length....just passing until the novelty wears off or there is a differing view of something- usually of no importance-and the ever sought after validation is no longer there....there is no maturity or respect....it is so often all about the "me".....

i was alone for thanksgiving as, due to my job,  i was not able to travel to mark's  family and he was obligated to take his 90 year old mother to her daughter's house.... i was fine with that,  as i knew i would be exhausted and it would be a good day to get some rest for me...and accepting the fact that floral designers do not get to enjoy holidays...
but, amazingly, i had a couple of invitations- one from someone i hardly know- a very sweet woman-  whom i like very much and one from a co-worker who i have never socialized with outside of work....i did decline both as i was very VERY tired ...but i was very touched and actually amazed that two people whom i have a limited connection with as of now- would think to invite me for dinner....while  women i have called my friends -wouldn't have a clue what i was doing for the holiday....

my father passed away last november...not one of those "friends" made any effort to offer condolences, except on facebook- when they happened to read about it and one has still not even acknowledged his passing to me....now i am pretty low on expectations from people but i have to admit- that hurts....and yes i was and still am somewhat angry about it ( working on letting go of that )....no one could send a sympathy card? make a phone call? i know everyone is busy but as we say in cyber lingo- WTF??? sorry, but that is just not acceptable....and it has left an indelible mark on those relationships....i surely am not perfect but i would never think of not making the effort to call-send a card-make contact ....i forgive them because it is better for me to do so....but i won't forget because it reminds me that the people we do have in our lives who are truly comrades- are precious...that no one REALLY has "470" friends and that the meaningful relationships we have need to be nurtured by both parties involved....one cannot be the only one who remembers to send a birthday card, or when an anniversary is, make the phone calls or be the one to attempt to organize get together's every single time- ( which they can never make)...it just doesn't work and one grows tired...frustrated..starts to question herself...for no good reason...

i have always needed to 'remember' to have boundaries and not to give 'too much' of myself because of feeling 'obligated' to or of wanting to be liked- you cannot make someone like you....friendship is voluntary -it's joys are simple, pure and friends LOVE one another- it is a choice ....they don't forget about you because you have moved further away than what is a short comfortable drive for them and you can no longer rescue them in the middle of the night...
i know there are those who just can't pull themselves out of the muck of their lives - i understand that...but i have grown far beyond that and perhaps i have become a reminder,  an unwanted messenger of information they are too scared to face...of what they also need to accomplish to be happy inside their own skins....it can feel threatening to think of losing one's excuse for complaints and gaining sympathy....
i am happy... and i am grateful..and i have my 'moments' when i slip- but i get right back on the horse, now....i have a 'little' life, but with some of the 'big' things in it that many people seem to chase their whole lives....i was lucky to get here in mid life...many never do and that is sad..because it is not all so complicated....i give many thanks to the universe for guiding me here....my life is not problem-free... they happen...i deal with them but my life is now free of FEAR and so, solving problems is easier, never impossible and i have learned to see them as opportunities because they ARE.... it took work and effort to get here...and it is not easy but it IS simple.....
i am not better than anyone or smarter than everyone....i just wanted to be happy and to stop blaming others for my past discontentment...fear is the enemy and there is nothing to be fearful of....but it is a life-long process and takes a commitment....and one has to work on it every single day...but it is worth it and becomes second nature after a short while....

i have love in my life..it comes, foremost, in the form of a somewhat off-beat man with a huge heart and and it comes wrapped in fur- they are my 'home'....and several endearing characters of different types and lifestyles and beliefs...one very dear to me, and his partner- that i don't see often because of logistics, but always in my heart and vice versa....another of only a couple of years - young enough to be my daughter but has an old soul.... also a godchild/friend- the only thread that remains from a marriage in another lifetime and has endured since she was just an amazing little girl...and several others....and i have me....i don't need 1, 234 "friends" who are acquaintances and don't even know if i have siblings or not or when my birthday is unless it is posted on their facebook home page....tho i DO enjoy most of my mere 63 FB "friends"...they are fun..and i enjoy the re-connections with cousins and distant family that went many years without contact...i love that the most about it...

i wish for my former 'girl'friends (don't know what else to call them ) that they will- one day- take responsibility for their own happiness ..to stop filling their minds with self inflicted mayhem  i wish them the ability to reach outside of their own selves and understand that self-absorption is the key to unhappiness-and how much they have hurt others because of it...that they are not the only persons in the world who know pain or have problems...and i wish them release from fear and the gift of gratitude...because they have much more to be thankful for then they realize...

more gratitude+ less complaining =life WILL get better....get some if you need to...it works..