love and ashes...the great tiger cat returns home...

our boy freddy's ashes are home tonight...mark made- what would have been for me a very tearful and heavy journey- to our vet's office this morning to drop off a basket of thanks we made for our vet and his staff and to pick up 'the urn'....surprisingly to me- i think mark has been dealing with the loss of freddy much better than i have...i am not sure why- maybe because there has been alot of loss in my life over the last several years and one more- i just didn't need... i was SO attached to fred- much more than i even realized until his departure...so much of our life revolved around him and his care the last few years, as happens with an elderly pet...but freddy was also such a force of love and life in this house...he was so much a kind and loving soul- even our vet and staff at his office adored him and told us so....we received a beautiful sympathy card and letter from them all saying how freddy touched all their lives and they felt privileged to know him....they were...we were...fred was a shining example of a life lived in love and truly how all living creatures should aspire to be....he accepted, let go, loved, took care of himself and us and the other cats...he mothered and fathered iris when she was a kitten to the extent that he allowed her to 'nurse' on him-as she was removed too soon from her actual mother...he welcomed everyone who entered this house...and carefully examined all before making a judgement about them...freddy was never mean- i don't think i ever saw him hiss- but he would reprimand when necessary with a firm paw -but had alot of patience and endurance....and was always well groomed- an obsessive groomer as a matter of fact...with us he had the most patience- enduring our habits and all the silly nicknames we had for him...and at times i would swear the look on his face was saying 'these two are really pathetic- what a huge job i have taking care of them!'
it is so odd to see this urn and think that 'he' is in there...it doesn't seem real but then- it isn't 'really' freddy....it is just the remains of the beautiful package that this sweet spirit carried himself around in -that we pampered and petted...tended to in his struggles while he endured so much with grace and what often seemed like thanks....each night after mark gave him his thyroid pill- which he had to have the last several years- fred would get right on mark's lap and "groom" his arm for at least a half hour...he really was the easiest cat on earth to give a pill to...he even sometimes would 'remind' us if he did not get it on time and would knock the bottle off the dresser where it was kept....i swear he knew he needed it and knew why....he was not as easy about injections when he was diabetic for about 6 months...but he was still SO good- he would wince and then it was over- he never scratched or bit- somehow he seemed to trust us and know that whatever we were doing it was for a reason to benefit him....we were lucky and fred was one of those cats who was 'cured' of diabetes and our 'prayers' were answered when we no longer had to give the injections to him and just keep him on a special diet...

so this little urn contains the essence of fred's body but not freddy himself ....his love lives on in us...and his lessons to us seem greater now than before his passing...we called freddy the zen cat- because no matter what he always maintained an air of calm and dignity....and i learned alot from him about how to handle life...don't over-react...try not to judge....always try to look your best...and nap as much as possible....
i miss this little creature SO much....i feel like part of me is gone but i am trying very hard to hold on to the love and the knowledge that he is happy...and i realize my missing him is selfish and based in the physical world...so i cry a little, still, everyday - and talk to myself about still being able to love him and feel the love he had for me and mark...it IS the physical that we miss...and i know in time i will get used to it and be only happy for having been so honored to have him in my life and able to keep his warmth around me...there have been other special creatures in my life - as special as freddy who are long gone and tho i still feel the loss of them at times- i smile when i remember them and feel fortunate to have known them...i know i can do this in time with fred...maybe the older we get the harder loss is- one would think it would get easier- but it doesn't....
i have been very lucky to have been able to spend alot of time with some of my pets over the years- having worked at home for awhile and being unemployed here and there...the last year and a half i spent alot of time home and with the cats....fred was almost always on his pillow in the bedroom and each time i went in there and walked past him- he got a kiss on the head...i miss kissing him...and the look he would have on his face when i entered the room- reaching a paw out and giving a 'yap'- saying hello and asking for a pet...or a kiss..he did like kisses....and i watched him groom himself and watched him interact with the other cats as the elder- sometimes giving oscar a whack on the head when deserved...it always made me laugh...i watched his careful care of himself as if he was repainting every tiger stripe with his tongue...restoring and placing every inch of fur where it 'belonged' and his utter self respect....and his unwavering expectation of everyone else respecting his "me" time....when he was done- he was all yours but you did not mess with his grooming...it was unacceptable and you would get a look of indignation as if to say....how dare you! and within seconds you were forgiven...
so ...the longer i look at the urn the more i feel it contains not the essence of freddy, but the physical proof that he existed- which is not his most important aspect....and as much as i long to still bury my fingers into the thick white fur of his chest and rest my cheek on his head- scratch under his chin and hear him purr....i know he is well now... i have felt him around us and i am glad he is happy and whole.... and i do feel i will see him again one day....so for now i will try to keep his love in my heart and keep to the things he taught me...especially the "nap as often as possible" part....
we have an urn of ashes but so much more- we have a love that was and is and always will be so special and for that i think mark and i are two of the luckiest people on earth...

thank you freddy for your love and all you taught us and thanks to the universe for giving us to him ;-)