my fear of license renewal...another reason to hate driving

i cannot sleep and, as usual, i am not sure why...it isn't always my 'monkey mind' keeping me from blissful slumber...but this night- i think it could be....
i have to renew my driver's license later this morning...i could put it off one more week but i just want to get it over with... and move on...

a few weeks ago i was grocery shopping at the 'fresh market'...a place i love to go to get great organic produce and other foods i cannot find in our 'regular' grocery store...they have exotic beans...bulk nuts of every kind imaginable, a great chocolate selection, lactose free yogurt and mark's beloved PG tips british tea...and usually new items that i am either intrigued by... or items i have not found since moving from long island a million years ago....i look forward to the pleasant ambiance of the store, surrounded by fresh flowers and the fragrance of baked goods i cannot eat, but enjoy looking at as works of art...( yes, i suffer for art...)
as i was checking out and fantasizing about a gorgeous chocolate truffle tartlet i had seen moments before... i got out my checkbook and handed the cashier my license...when she handed it back to me she said "OH your license needs to be renewed next month..did you know? "...i gazed at her like she had six heads with a look i could feel on my face as scrunched up and dismayed and said..." excuse me? " ...she said..." your license...it expires next month"....my mouth dropped open and i thought she must be kidding....she handed it back to me and i looked and sure enough it said expires 6/9/11....my heart stopped for a second and i felt a stab in the pit of my stomach....i thanked the cashier and lady packing my haul and in a what felt like a drunken stupor...got to my car....
i was SURE this was a mistake...i JUST renewed this only a couple of years ago! i whipped the license out of my wallet again to make sure... i could not understand HOW it could be 8 years.....already??
i REMEBERED very clearly when i had last renewed this damned license....like it was YESTERDAY...i remembered what i was WEARING...and i remembered  as i sat waiting my turn, in the motor vehilce office... thinking it would be strange to renew a license now every 8 years...that is a LONG time...and i recalled saying to myself that i wondered what my life would be like in 8 years and where i might be....because...who knows??
all the drive home i could not comprehend how 8 years could have passed so quickly...i was nauseous...upset....perplexed....confused...bewildered...i CRIED for shit's sake!

it was the june before myself and the two kitties- kiwi and oscar- moved in with mark...i did not know then that i would be doing so in a few short months- we had been together for 4 years then....i was working at michael's as head floral designer - a kind of 'extension' of a previous job in the same building at mj designs- which had gone out of business..mj designs was a desperation job after being downsized out of my job as an assistant designer and trim merchandiser for a ladies dress company....the last job in a long line of crazy, stressful jobs within the fashion and design industry....i did not miss it- i had totally burned out on it...and mj designs was the LOWEST paying , but the MOST FUN job i had ever had....i spent my days doing florals and managing an aisle of ribbon... we had the best crew of employees i had ever worked with...i finally made friends- which had been a task since moving north of NY city- creative people- FUN people- NICE PEOPLE!!...and i looked forward to going to work each day....my co-workers were like family - there was no back-stabbing, no fights...no huge egos...we all got along really well and enjoyed eachother's company...we socialized and i had made several good friends i really thought would be lifelong....when we got the news mj's was closing we were all devastated...but within not quite a year michael's arts and crafts took over the store and many of us RUSHED to get rehired to work there  together... many of us did....the pay was better...the company was a bit 'different'...but the eventual management SUCKED... after our former store manager who came from mj's left for a better job....long story short...after several years i wanted out ...the day i sat in the motor vehicle office wondering what 8 years would bring...i wondered if i would EVER find another job or be in jail for killing the current manager....two months later i would be working for a small hat making company in an old loft with the two owners and their rottweiller...

after my license picture was taken i took it but was afraid to look...i never did photograph well...i took a breath and viewed what was the all time worst picture of myself i had ever seen..worse than a mugshot...i let out a groan thinking that i had to look at that for 8 years and wondered if i would  recognize myself at all after that long...and would anyone else? what if i got stopped by a cop and my hair was a different color and worn differently- do i have to KEEP it this way???...would he think i stole someone else's license? how will i remember to renew this in 8 years??? they NEVER send you a notice that you are up for renewal.. ( i always thought this was a ploy- the state would hope you would not remember so at some point when you were found out that you would have to pay a large fine for driving without a license)... always the conspiracy theorist, i am....

NEVER in a million years would i have guessed a cashier in a store that did not exist then would remind me as i was paying for organic spinach and gruyere cheese....never would i have guessed i would be living in the boonies with mark, have planted 8 gardens, lived with two additional cats... (one of whom would leave us with a huge void almost 8 years later)... that my father would have had a stroke in two years, been in a nursing home another 5 and passed away, and that my step mother would also become very ill...and also pass away a year and a half later...and mark's father, also, would have died....never would i have guessed i would be driving my father's car that he would give to me...that i'd be re-hired at the ladies dress company to design and sell...get laid off from there AGAIN...write trucking permits for 5 months...and then get a job in a floral shop and greenhouse...that i never even knew existed before- less than a mile from home ...and that i would love the work so very much....and never would i have guessed that i felt like i had a home again...for the first time in many, many years... my own little family in mark and the kitties...and maybe i never would have guessed that i could be as happy here as i have been...and i would sleep like a baby (for a few years) every night- no problem....and never would i have guessed i could have the felt pain, stress and frustration within this happy time... along with such moments of deep sadness for the changes in the lives of others that i cared for....

life is weird...you can feel SO SO happy and content and deep sorrow at the same time...i have to say, tho that the sadness can really put a damper on the happy....it is hard to maintain...it is hard to endure sometimes...and even tho you can feel true moments of joy...they are, at times, difficult to hang on to...
so...never would i have guessed that i would try to learn to do just that..and i was successful some of the time and there were many times that i failed miserably...and i am still studying....
generally i am a pretty happy person ...i get upset about injustice and sad about loss...but i am learning to let things go and accept that nothing is perfect....and know that i have SO much to be grateful for....

...except that damned license photograph....

now when i look at it...YES, i DO recognize that person to some degree..and i know that 8 years ago i never would have guessed i would become an insomniac...that my friends would disappear from my life....that i would have hummingbirds in my yard...or that mark and i would have watched battlestar galactica thru TWICE...that there were new adventures to look forward to or that i would have aches and pains...weight to lose...swollen ankles...no living parents...and french lentils in the cupboard ...
and that i would i wish i still looked like that DAMNED worst picture ever taken in the history of my life.....

and in a few hours...there will be a new worst photo of me ever taken ...after an entirely sleepless night...oh boy....

love and ashes...the great tiger cat returns home...

our boy freddy's ashes are home tonight...mark made- what would have been for me a very tearful and heavy journey- to our vet's office this morning to drop off a basket of thanks we made for our vet and his staff and to pick up 'the urn'....surprisingly to me- i think mark has been dealing with the loss of freddy much better than i have...i am not sure why- maybe because there has been alot of loss in my life over the last several years and one more- i just didn't need... i was SO attached to fred- much more than i even realized until his departure...so much of our life revolved around him and his care the last few years, as happens with an elderly pet...but freddy was also such a force of love and life in this house...he was so much a kind and loving soul- even our vet and staff at his office adored him and told us so....we received a beautiful sympathy card and letter from them all saying how freddy touched all their lives and they felt privileged to know him....they were...we were...fred was a shining example of a life lived in love and truly how all living creatures should aspire to be....he accepted, let go, loved, took care of himself and us and the other cats...he mothered and fathered iris when she was a kitten to the extent that he allowed her to 'nurse' on him-as she was removed too soon from her actual mother...he welcomed everyone who entered this house...and carefully examined all before making a judgement about them...freddy was never mean- i don't think i ever saw him hiss- but he would reprimand when necessary with a firm paw -but had alot of patience and endurance....and was always well groomed- an obsessive groomer as a matter of fact...with us he had the most patience- enduring our habits and all the silly nicknames we had for him...and at times i would swear the look on his face was saying 'these two are really pathetic- what a huge job i have taking care of them!'
it is so odd to see this urn and think that 'he' is in there...it doesn't seem real but then- it isn't 'really' freddy....it is just the remains of the beautiful package that this sweet spirit carried himself around in -that we pampered and petted...tended to in his struggles while he endured so much with grace and what often seemed like thanks....each night after mark gave him his thyroid pill- which he had to have the last several years- fred would get right on mark's lap and "groom" his arm for at least a half hour...he really was the easiest cat on earth to give a pill to...he even sometimes would 'remind' us if he did not get it on time and would knock the bottle off the dresser where it was kept....i swear he knew he needed it and knew why....he was not as easy about injections when he was diabetic for about 6 months...but he was still SO good- he would wince and then it was over- he never scratched or bit- somehow he seemed to trust us and know that whatever we were doing it was for a reason to benefit him....we were lucky and fred was one of those cats who was 'cured' of diabetes and our 'prayers' were answered when we no longer had to give the injections to him and just keep him on a special diet...

so this little urn contains the essence of fred's body but not freddy himself ....his love lives on in us...and his lessons to us seem greater now than before his passing...we called freddy the zen cat- because no matter what he always maintained an air of calm and dignity....and i learned alot from him about how to handle life...don't over-react...try not to judge....always try to look your best...and nap as much as possible....
i miss this little creature SO much....i feel like part of me is gone but i am trying very hard to hold on to the love and the knowledge that he is happy...and i realize my missing him is selfish and based in the physical world...so i cry a little, still, everyday - and talk to myself about still being able to love him and feel the love he had for me and mark...it IS the physical that we miss...and i know in time i will get used to it and be only happy for having been so honored to have him in my life and able to keep his warmth around me...there have been other special creatures in my life - as special as freddy who are long gone and tho i still feel the loss of them at times- i smile when i remember them and feel fortunate to have known them...i know i can do this in time with fred...maybe the older we get the harder loss is- one would think it would get easier- but it doesn't....
i have been very lucky to have been able to spend alot of time with some of my pets over the years- having worked at home for awhile and being unemployed here and there...the last year and a half i spent alot of time home and with the cats....fred was almost always on his pillow in the bedroom and each time i went in there and walked past him- he got a kiss on the head...i miss kissing him...and the look he would have on his face when i entered the room- reaching a paw out and giving a 'yap'- saying hello and asking for a pet...or a kiss..he did like kisses....and i watched him groom himself and watched him interact with the other cats as the elder- sometimes giving oscar a whack on the head when deserved...it always made me laugh...i watched his careful care of himself as if he was repainting every tiger stripe with his tongue...restoring and placing every inch of fur where it 'belonged' and his utter self respect....and his unwavering expectation of everyone else respecting his "me" time....when he was done- he was all yours but you did not mess with his grooming...it was unacceptable and you would get a look of indignation as if to say....how dare you! and within seconds you were forgiven...
so ...the longer i look at the urn the more i feel it contains not the essence of freddy, but the physical proof that he existed- which is not his most important aspect....and as much as i long to still bury my fingers into the thick white fur of his chest and rest my cheek on his head- scratch under his chin and hear him purr....i know he is well now... i have felt him around us and i am glad he is happy and whole.... and i do feel i will see him again one day....so for now i will try to keep his love in my heart and keep to the things he taught me...especially the "nap as often as possible" part....
we have an urn of ashes but so much more- we have a love that was and is and always will be so special and for that i think mark and i are two of the luckiest people on earth...

thank you freddy for your love and all you taught us and thanks to the universe for giving us to him ;-)

be thankful- by an unknown author

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

Author Unknown

does anyone truly have 829 REAL friends????

during this time of year- my mind travels to times in the past and often,  to places of some sadness...
of course we all think of those we have loved who are no longer with us and, our joyful times with them...and tho i miss my family and friends who have crossed, i also find a place inside of me that is hurt and puzzled by those who are alive and well- but no longer a true part of my life-  who are so consumed by their own chaos -they have no vision of anything outside of their own little worlds...

i think of my friend linda monti olsen- gone now, for years.....she was really a friend- she cared- she gave and she scolded when necessary and straightened me out...she shared and praised and included me - i was part of her extended family...as she was part of mine...she knew me and i knew her...we weren't conveniences for one another with agendas based on what we had to 'offer' one another...we were friends because we truly enjoyed one another and there was a bond between us..we didn't part ways because we didn't always see the world the same way......we took time and made effort and saw each other with our positives and negatives and loved each other any way....and we were there for one another when life got hard...when a marriage was breaking up and when she became seriously ill....i survived the marriage...she eventually succumbed to the illness...she was barely 40 years old....
i accept that i may not ever have a 'girl'friend like that again in my lifetime....linda was one of a kind


alot of so-called friendships these days seem rather hollow...thin shells of acquaintance with nowhere to go- no room to grow....no depth- width or length....just passing until the novelty wears off or there is a differing view of something- usually of no importance-and the ever sought after validation is no longer there....there is no maturity or respect....it is so often all about the "me".....

i was alone for thanksgiving as, due to my job,  i was not able to travel to mark's  family and he was obligated to take his 90 year old mother to her daughter's house.... i was fine with that,  as i knew i would be exhausted and it would be a good day to get some rest for me...and accepting the fact that floral designers do not get to enjoy holidays...
but, amazingly, i had a couple of invitations- one from someone i hardly know- a very sweet woman-  whom i like very much and one from a co-worker who i have never socialized with outside of work....i did decline both as i was very VERY tired ...but i was very touched and actually amazed that two people whom i have a limited connection with as of now- would think to invite me for dinner....while  women i have called my friends -wouldn't have a clue what i was doing for the holiday....

my father passed away last november...not one of those "friends" made any effort to offer condolences, except on facebook- when they happened to read about it and one has still not even acknowledged his passing to me....now i am pretty low on expectations from people but i have to admit- that hurts....and yes i was and still am somewhat angry about it ( working on letting go of that )....no one could send a sympathy card? make a phone call? i know everyone is busy but as we say in cyber lingo- WTF??? sorry, but that is just not acceptable....and it has left an indelible mark on those relationships....i surely am not perfect but i would never think of not making the effort to call-send a card-make contact ....i forgive them because it is better for me to do so....but i won't forget because it reminds me that the people we do have in our lives who are truly comrades- are precious...that no one REALLY has "470" friends and that the meaningful relationships we have need to be nurtured by both parties involved....one cannot be the only one who remembers to send a birthday card, or when an anniversary is, make the phone calls or be the one to attempt to organize get together's every single time- ( which they can never make)...it just doesn't work and one grows tired...frustrated..starts to question herself...for no good reason...

i have always needed to 'remember' to have boundaries and not to give 'too much' of myself because of feeling 'obligated' to or of wanting to be liked- you cannot make someone like you....friendship is voluntary -it's joys are simple, pure and friends LOVE one another- it is a choice ....they don't forget about you because you have moved further away than what is a short comfortable drive for them and you can no longer rescue them in the middle of the night...
i know there are those who just can't pull themselves out of the muck of their lives - i understand that...but i have grown far beyond that and perhaps i have become a reminder,  an unwanted messenger of information they are too scared to face...of what they also need to accomplish to be happy inside their own skins....it can feel threatening to think of losing one's excuse for complaints and gaining sympathy....
i am happy... and i am grateful..and i have my 'moments' when i slip- but i get right back on the horse, now....i have a 'little' life, but with some of the 'big' things in it that many people seem to chase their whole lives....i was lucky to get here in mid life...many never do and that is sad..because it is not all so complicated....i give many thanks to the universe for guiding me here....my life is not problem-free... they happen...i deal with them but my life is now free of FEAR and so, solving problems is easier, never impossible and i have learned to see them as opportunities because they ARE.... it took work and effort to get here...and it is not easy but it IS simple.....
i am not better than anyone or smarter than everyone....i just wanted to be happy and to stop blaming others for my past discontentment...fear is the enemy and there is nothing to be fearful of....but it is a life-long process and takes a commitment....and one has to work on it every single day...but it is worth it and becomes second nature after a short while....

i have love in my life..it comes, foremost, in the form of a somewhat off-beat man with a huge heart and and it comes wrapped in fur- they are my 'home'....and several endearing characters of different types and lifestyles and beliefs...one very dear to me, and his partner- that i don't see often because of logistics, but always in my heart and vice versa....another of only a couple of years - young enough to be my daughter but has an old soul.... also a godchild/friend- the only thread that remains from a marriage in another lifetime and has endured since she was just an amazing little girl...and several others....and i have me....i don't need 1, 234 "friends" who are acquaintances and don't even know if i have siblings or not or when my birthday is unless it is posted on their facebook home page....tho i DO enjoy most of my mere 63 FB "friends"...they are fun..and i enjoy the re-connections with cousins and distant family that went many years without contact...i love that the most about it...

i wish for my former 'girl'friends (don't know what else to call them ) that they will- one day- take responsibility for their own happiness ..to stop filling their minds with self inflicted mayhem  i wish them the ability to reach outside of their own selves and understand that self-absorption is the key to unhappiness-and how much they have hurt others because of it...that they are not the only persons in the world who know pain or have problems...and i wish them release from fear and the gift of gratitude...because they have much more to be thankful for then they realize...

more gratitude+ less complaining =life WILL get better....get some if you need to...it works..

this is worth sharing....everyone needs to know this

http://www.mind-your-reality.com/thought_power.html

take heart, friends....

it seems so many are having a rough time with life, right now...is there something is the air? times are hard and i think the energy of the entire planet is in a bad way..it is having it's way with our economy...our health and our lives in general and the love in our lives....how can it not? so we have to each individually take control of our selves and change the vibration... in ourselves- find our love...and learn how to use it...

love is truly the only thing that makes life worthwhile...not i-phones, laptops or dvr's ... jewelry or new over-priced shoes....possessions are distractions- nice to have...but when they become the sole purpose in life -what does your life 'mean'? ...i would really like to have a wii...i have wanted one for awhile now and will get one eventually- when i am able to...but you know what? in the meantime i have a life and can't imagine being obsessed with having a wii...but it seems so many of us become fixated on possessions... often to replace love....and situations we are not in that we would like to be....instead of focusing on the good things in our lives and, perhaps... things we need to change in our selves to change life for the better....a wii is not going to make my 'life' better...it will make one more thing i have to dust- but keep me 'moving' in the winter....all things have pros and cons ;-)
i am very grateful for what i have..i don't have alot of 'things'...and i don't care...when i get a little down about 'life' and losses... i try always to turn my thoughts to the good i have in my life...the greatest of those things being love...people i love... pets i love... activities i do with love ...and i make a mental list of all the other things i have to be grateful for...it helps..ALOT... writing it all down, even better- when possible...
when you look around -get your focus outside of your own head- you will notice how truly bad some people have it in life- worse than you....and that can help you to be more grateful and to realize  it is because that is what they expect... because they don't think enough of themselves...are you doing that, as well?
we can get stuck in our conditioning and perceptions and never realize there are so MANY ways to see a situation ..it was a very wonderful therapist who showed me that years ago...he showed me that the blame i was placing on my father for so many things in my life needed to be turned around... to me taking responsibility for my own feelings AND my SELF IMAGE...he also showed me that my dad was human- who was also once a child..and from a very dysfunctional family, himself - who had never resolved his own issues..and so- they were handed down to me....when i came to that reality- it was easier to forgive and easier to take on the task of changing my own level of self-respect...it did not happen instantly...it took years and i got knocked around emotionally AND physically here and there... made more 'mistakes' but i learned from all of them- because i was aware i needed to.... and i learned how to truly love-i studied- read -trusted and tried and learned...it was not easy to give in to care for another person's well-being with no expectations or conditions...but we must if we really want to have a real love in our lives- and this is with every relationship of any kind.. even with our PETS....and there are moments we fail with that and are selfish but if we have the awareness of it we can correct ourselves.... ok- we are human and have to have boundaries too-it is a tricky balance..in a 'perfect' world we would not need boundaries but it is NOT a perfect world...so we do need to 'expect' a couple of things in order for this to work...respect, and trust being my two biggies...if someone does not respect you- they have no self-respect....simple...period... it is a reflection of them on you...and it is the same with trust...if someone does not trust you- then they are untrustworthy and/ or very insecure...BAD CHOICE for a partner in life or friendship!( if they are family- then you are stuck with them and will have to learn an alternate way to deal with them but they can be a great lesson for you) ....and you are never going to change someone else...only THEY can do it- IF they choose to...and it's work-sometimes ALOT of work...are you willing to wait it out..for years, maybe? or do you choose to be happy NOW ..sometimes you have to let go...it is your choice..sometimes letting go of someone in pain is the best thing you can do for them because it may slap them into reality and getting help if they need it...if they don't then they have made the choice to stay in pain...some revel in it because it gives them an excuse to be mentally lazy....and manipulative which gives them some false sense of power...

we can learn alot from our pets if we observe them closely...my cats have taught me alot about self esteem... as well as the few dogs i have had in the past, about unconditional love...even fish and turtles and salamanders...they all have a certain lesson to teach us....i think observing nature is one of the best ways we can learn about the core of life...we are part of nature but we tend to forget that and think we are outside of it...just sit quietly in nature and observe...it is like a perfect silent symphony...all in sync within what could be viewed as chaos...watch a hawk in the sky...i can watch them for hours doing their dance with perfect precision...biding their time...the complete patience..skill and confidence ..and they always get their prize....
most of the illnesses we get as humans are due to our negative emotions...that is one big thing animals have over us...they know when to use emotions and when not to...they are pure instinct and we are 'not so pure' intellect alot of the time...which i DO NOT see as an advantage for us...all in all i feel animals are much 'smarter' than we are...they have 'horse' sense....they always know what to do for themselves...

when we don't have-or BELIEVE we don't have love...we can obsess about it...but think for a moment....you DO have love in your life in one way or another- don't you?? ...love is love- there are no 'kinds' of love...we choose to express it in different ways which are appropriate to the situation in which we are applying it....love is not something that 'happens' to you...that you 'earn' by doing anything...it is an energy that exists all around us...it is here..there and right in front of you...  we CHOOSE to use it and feel it...it is not some miraculous event that is bestowed on us if we have been 'good'...it is there for the taking ...every second of every day...think about your pets...the utter joy you can feel when you have a 'moment' with them- they are being affectionate and giving you all the attention you can handle and all they want to do is love you...that little thrill you feel when you are exchanging affection..the abandon of emotion...that is the core of love..that is how we should feel with one another...if you have children, parents, friends..we all have love in our lives and we often take that for granted when there is something 'else' we want...sometimes we need to stop WANTING so much and just BE...and enjoy the love we do have- then we open ourselves to more and from others....
i think that humans are not meant to be alone- we are pack animals and so we have friends and family and yes- we all want a partner in life...and it is a wonderful thing when it is good...but i also feel when we think that this is so unobtainable- that is what  it becomes...we ALWAYS get what we 'expect' and if we all think back to 'mistakes' we have made i think we can almost always remember there might have been a little voice inside saying that things would never work out...if that is what you expect- it is what you will get...which can be a GOOD thing if it was a bad choice...but there we get back to our self-image...why would me make a bad choice- settle for less than we deserve? ..because we do not feel we deserve better...... if we happen to make a fairly GOOD choice but still do not have our self-esteem  where it should be...it can still be a disaster if the other person doesn't understand-is not willing to help-is not supportive or suggest you get help with it...or you won't try to change it...or admit you have an issue that needs to be dealt with....chances are you made the good choice by accident...and if you are not healthy- will get bored eventually with 'too much goodness'...maybe you need chaos or think you do...trust me- YOU DO NOT!

we all need to look in the mirror...and change what is there that we see needs changing...and the truth is EVERYONE has an issue or two.....did you have parents??? yes? then..you HAVE AT LEAST ONE!
i think we are supposed to...i feel this is how we learn who we are...if we all came into this life perfect- what would be the point of living? we live to learn...and yes- have fun and laugh and love and experience pleasure and make music and art and eat and dance....but we cannot do those things 'correctly' unless we know who we are and become a healthy person who is experiencing happiness by their OWN doing...the happy feelings will be fleeting... it is a life-long journey but we can take joy in the learning....and no one else can MAKE you happy....we will always have sorrow to deal with at times...anger...disappointment... but all things to grow from....
it is difficult to feel good things when we have been hurt...but we must at some point in the grieving- realize that to forgive is for US...not the person being forgiven...it releases US from hanging on to resentment which is very unhealthy...it makes us sick in the mind and body...we do ourselves honor when we forgive...others are being the best 'them' they can be at the time and if they are hurtful people- they are in pain themselves .... they never have to know you have forgiven them..only YOU need to know it...you are not condoning a negative thing they have done- you are releasing yourSELF..
on forgiveness...it took me some time to learn that FIRST i had to forgive ME for things i was not even conscious of feeling guilty about ...guilt can become an addiction...and it is actually totally self-indulgent...narcissistic ...think about it! but you cannot truly forgive someone else unless you forgive yourself first...that is the place to start with forgiveness....this really hit home with me when i studied 'a course in miracles'...and truly- guilt is not a feeling i have dealt with in a very long time....it is very freeing...

we have too many 'options' placed in front of us...if you feel bad- go out and buy something we don't need..it makes us feel better for a few hours....get drunk...eat junk food...or make someone else feel bad.... all a waste of time and energy....we think too much- of ways to get even and get over on others- show them a thing or two or we wallow in self-pity or go see a doctor for chemicals to make it go away...if only we would follow our own instincts- but we have been programmed to forget them...so we have books and tapes and dvd's and therapists...all can be helpful if we need them...

i have a great man in my life...with a good heart, talent, a wonderful sense of humor and ravenous appetite  ...we have 4 wonderful cats...a roof... food on the table....hummingbirds in the yard...i have talent to use...a ton of kitchen tools and lots of art supplies...i am a wealthy person! and yes...the old issues ( and new ones- oh joy!) crop up here and there...but i have tools now...i know what to do...and it gets easier but it is always work...i keep reading and learning and working on it....and i try to do it with love and i always try to forgive and sometimes i really have to work on it-and i lose it....but recovery is a work in process and i think we have to take joy in learning and forgive ourSELVES when we fall...because loving one's SELF is the key to everything else..and falling is a reminder not to get lazy about it!
 something i feel is very important to remember is that there really are only TWO emotions- out of which the other 'feelings' we can have are borne...there is love and there is fear....love we understand- an unselfish concern for another...laughter, enjoyment and pleasure are love- music and art and cooking are love- gardening is love....fear gives birth only to the negative ...jealousy- resentment- hatred- prejudice- depression- self-loathing..etc etc...think of a negative way you feel about something and see if you can find the connection to fear...often when we don't understand things we fear them and turn that into hate....
i felt compelled to write these thoughts because i see so many people around me in pain and sadness and i know those feelings..i am not meaning to lecture but just share what i have learned thru my own experiences with pain and loss...and hope that if you find something in them for you- they may help in some way....and i am feeling it with love ;-)....if you need help with your grief there is no shame in getting some...it is very difficult sometimes to change our view without guidance in seeing about how we get 'stuck'....i seek guidance all the time..i have as many philospohy and self-help books as i do cookbooks...and some are more helpful than therapists...
try to have FAITH..that all is as it is supposed to be right now and there is a reason...a door to open or to close...a change that needs to be made...a better choice...that is going to lead you to what you want and is best for you....be patient and gentle with yourself...cry-scream- let it all out and then let it go.....
take heart, friends...this too shall pass and all will be well....

eat 'em and weep -sniff 'em, don't sleep....

this jar of onions cure thing ain't working! i breathe deeply-my eyes do not water-i am awake....
it's a funny thing about me and onions-a love- hate thing...  hate, presently , for not making me sleep as they are allegedly *supposed* to...an ancient time-proven sleep remedy that does not work for MOI ....do i ALWAYS have to be the exception to everything???

LOVE them on a burger- straight up RAW and naked- LOTS of them so that their fragrance lingers for hours...and keeps evil spirits and mean people away ....when i slice, chop, mince, or dice them they hardly ever make we weep...aren't they supposed to? hmm...add another dysfunctional relationship to the list....me and onions-entangled in an unhealthy way....we glare at each other-they from their cold dark dungeon in the fridge- me from above -large knife in hand, craving to hack them into pieces.....yet, we seem to 'need' eachother....sometimes, dysfunction makes you feel alive...

other than raw, they need to be cooked to death for me to eat them...i mean carmelized to a deep, dark brown with all their natural sugars purged-almost incinerated....when they are 'half- cooked', by my standards- just glossy, with still a little chew to them, which i feel as rubbery- they make me weep - can't eat 'em....none of this 'middle of the road' crap, for me-in position, music or onions...and this is true for all genre of onion- yellow, white, spring , shallots, etc....it is an all encompassing onion ethic to which i hold tightly...

one of my favorite recipes in the universe is my mother's onion sauce...a simple yet rich, thick velvety blanket of deliciousness served several different ways...i have been told i should bottle and sell it...
when made... pounds of onions are sliced and never a tear is shed....but those eyeball-ish pearl onions floating in thick white goop that people serve for thanksgiving....or wormy "french onion" soup....THOSE make we weep OUT LOUD...YUK!

i have a plush stuffed onion...yes i DO!  when you smack or sqeeze it...it makes a crying noise....mark gave it to me years ago....it was 'cute'- so he thought and so did i when i saw it... as i sit here it peers out at me from my slightly open desk drawer .....he seems to be laughing at me, he wants to kill me...he is evil and scary and yet...i love him....
an odd little gift, i know, who has a plush onion? only me...but then, only mark would buy such a thing....little did he know what a cruel joke that would seem on this night 11 years later...i should post a picture of it on facebook...it has arms and legs and is anatomically correct....but the FUCKER can't make me sleep....CAN YOU, ONION??? HUH??? stop LOOKING AT ME!

the insomnia onion cure text states that if need be,  one should put sliced onion under one's pillow, if the "jar breathing" does not work....can't do it-my kiwi cat will never sleep there with me again...cats HATE onions...cats are wise and perhaps they know something we do not...they do not trust them.....why would they? besides, can you imagine how badly that would reek after a few days??

well...it is time to go back to bed and try, once more....i am going to take the plush onion and place it under my pillow....why not? what can it hurt? you never know what can work and maybe he will suffocate under there...and stop making that annoying crying noise...that will teach the little bastard to laugh at me....